"Epilog" - Mika Antic
Vodopad ima
bradu kao grof L.N.Tolstoj.
To se
u stvari
Jutro po sebi peni i
razapinje dugu.
Ja sam priznao jednoj ženi
Da je život nešto
prosto u meni,
- a nije baš tako prosto.
Ja sam mislio da ću ići
pravo
dok se ne pretvorim u lenjir,
a našli su me u krugu.
Našli
su me posle lutanja
srozanog od vriska do šaputanja.
Prošao je
oktobar.
Među nogama drveća polako zaudara na vlagu
i krv.
Ulica
poslednji put kisne na sirovom suncu.
Sedite malo kraj mene
kao kraj groba.
Minut pošte za moje preminulo najrumenije doba.
Sedite
malo kraj mene
Vidite: opet sam dobar.
Iza uha mi se okoreo mlaz
usirenog poraza
kao streljanom vojnom beguncu.
Proletele su
ogromne zlatne kočije
kroz naše utrnule oči,
- a mi ih sačuvali
nismo.
Nešto mlado nam je rzalo na usni i uvelo
Gorko od smeha i
slatko do plača.
Dozvolite mi da posle svega
dalekoj nekoj
gosdpođici napišem jedno pismo,
onako malo nostalgično
kao što
pišu senilni penzionisani admirali
preživeloj posadi sa potopljenog
razarača.
Gospođice,
kazaću,
gospođice,
sve je,
sve
je,
sve je gotovo.
Ovde cveće pokojno
prodaju razliveno u
parfemske flaše.
I sve je,
sve je,
sve je spokojno
kao da
vetar nikad nije šamarao drvored
i po oknu se pleo.
Gospođice,
kazaću,
u
ovu jesen,
frigidnu kao turistkinja sa skandinavskim pasošem,
to
što sam odjednom sed ne znači da sam beo.
Ti si jedina nahranila
svu moju glad
sa ono malo mesa i sna.
Jedina si bila sita od ono
malo mojih noktiju
i dlanova.
Voleo bih da tvoji budući sinovi
naslede boju moga glasa
i kćeri nose moju tugu u prslučićima od
svile.
Voelo bih da sačuvaš moje najdivnije vrhove
na
horizontalama tvog dna
i proneseš moje oči kroz tišinu tuđih očiju
i
stanova,
i moj oktobar kroz sve tuđe aprile.
Ovo nije
ispovest.
Ovo je gore nego molitva.
Hiljadu puta od jutros kao
nekad te volim.
Hiljadu puta od jutros ponovo ti se vraćam.
Hiljadu
puta ponovo se plašim
za tebe izgubljenu u vrtlogu geografskih
karata,
za tebe podeljenu kao plakat ko zna kakvim ljudima.
Da
li sam još uvek ona mera po kojoj znaš ko te boli
i koliko su pred
tobom svi drugi bili goli,
ona mera po kojoj znaš ko te otima
i ko
te plaća?
Da li sam još uvek među svim tvojim životima
onaj
komadić najplavijeg oblaka u grudima
i najkrvavijeg saća?
Ovde
kod mene
dani imaju ukus piva i dosade.
Ponekad kaplju kiše
čudno,
spokojno.
Nemam
volje ni da živim ni da se ubijem.
Sasvim sam nalik na lađu koja
luta bez posade
i ne želi da zbriše
sa svoga oka nešto uzaludno,
nešto
pokojno,
nešto golubije.
Možda je dobro da znaš:
posle
tebe žene nemaju pravo ništa da uobražavaju.
Nekad prvi žutokljunac
republike,
danas - mogu da podignem zarozane čarape
lično
bogorodici
u dostojanstvo prerušen.
Sve moje nežnosti još uvek
na tvom pragu spavaju
kao mali žuti psi
na mokrim,
nabreklim,
crnim
sisama gospođe keruše.
Sasvim sam zakopčan od sluzokože do duše.
Ova
32 zuba još uvek ljubav samo za tebe onako jecaju
i onako pevuše.
Ti
me svakako razumeš:
sve je,
sve je
sve je gotovo.
Uplašeno
sam pijan
i prazan
i sam.
Ponekad neko naiđe da me zabrinuto
voli i pazi,
neko kome otkrivam sve tvoje putokaze
do mog usijanog
temena.
Nikome nemoj reći
ali ja,
koji najmanje znam o sreći,
hteo
bih malo nespretne sreće tom nekom novom da dam
i dok umire drveće i
vetar po lišću gazi
hteo bih da mu bude dobro u ime izvesnog aorista
moje ljubavi
i davnoprošlog vremena.
Možda nećeš verovati:
i
sa hotelima sam raskrstio sasvim neopaženo.
Sve mi hoteli nekako
liče na istu bajku
i postelje u sobama smeškaju se na isti glas.
Svi
se portiri na isti način brinu
onako malo rođački kad im laku noć
kažemo.
Svi se portiri isto onako brinu,
majke mi,
kao da znaju
za nas.
Dalje ne bih imao ništa više da ti javim.
Pijana od
hladnoće subotnja noć se valja.
Satovi su već odavno povečerje
odsvirali.
Dalje zaista ne bih imao ništa više da ti javim
jedino
možda to da si ostala najlepša medalja
iz najlepšeg rata u kome su
mi srce amputirali.
Gospođice,
ja nisam za tobom bio onako
obično,
gimnazijski zanesen.
U meni je sve do tabana minirano.
Inače,
zapamtio
sam:
ljubav je najgolubija samo u onim kricima
koji se poklone
prvima.
Dozvoli da se zato zbog nečeg u sebi
nasmešim u ovu jesen
pomalo
krišom,
kroz suze,
pomalo demodirano,
ja, tvoj najnežniji
pastuv među pesnicima,
ja, tvoj najsuroviji pesnik među pastuvima.
Mika je genije!!
O da... :)
Right asay I amm going away to ddo my breakfast, after having my breakfast coming yet again to
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